The Nature of Change
by HarryPotterForever1997
Summary: Things are never as simple as they seem. James' and Lily's story is much more complicated - and beautiful - than it seems. My FIRST fanfiction. A story about the Marauders as individuals, James and Lily, and the first Wizarding World war, because I love the Marauders era so much. I hope you enjoy this!
1. The Full Moon about to Dawn

**AN: **_Okay, so this is my FIRST fanfiction. My previous experience consists of only some (admittedly very long) headcannons. About all of the main characters present in the Marauders era because I love them all so darn much._

_I hope you enjoy it!_

_ - HarryPotterForever1997_

_P.S: I KNOW moons don't dawn, so please don't be angry about the chapter title. It just seemed like the right thing to say._

_**The Full Moon about to Dawn:**_

"Sirius!" James said, grinning down at his friend lounging in an armchair in front of the fireplace. Sirius looked up at him lazily.  
"What? You've got another scheme to get Lily Evans to go out with you that you need my help for?" He asked.  
"No!" James exclaimed. "Well, actually I do, but that's not what I need to talk to you about."  
"Well, then what else could be worth interrupting my Saturday morning lounge by the fire?" Sirius asked.  
"I was just going to make sure that you don't forget about tonight." James said shortly. Sirius raised his eyebrows.  
"That, my friend, could imply a lot of things. Care to shed a little but of light on what exactly I'm not supposed to forget about?" Sirius asked patronisingly. James rolled his eyes.  
"Don't be a prat. You know exactly what I'm talking about." He said, and then, in a lower voice: "Tonight's the full moon. We need to be ready to handle Moony."  
"Oh really? I thought there was some other reason for you to just suddenly start transforming into Prongs when no one's around." Sirius said, shifting into a more comfortable position, a cheeky smile creeping at the corner of his mouth.  
"I'm practicing! It isn't like anyone ever sees me." James exclaimed. And what's got you in such a touchy mood this morning? Not that you aren't always an insufferable smartass, but it seems amplified today." He said.  
"Late nights make me irritable." Sirius said shrugging.  
"Or maybe you're just deliberately being annoying." James said, flopping down into the chair next to Sirius'.  
"Maybe." Sirius agreed. "What are you doing with the Marauder's map? Spying on Lily Evans again?" James looked up from the piece of parchment that he'd been examining inside his cloak.  
"Nothing." He said. "Mischief Mana-" He started to say from the corner of his mouth.  
"Accio parchment!" Sirius said, cutting him off. The Marauder's map flew out of James' fingers to Sirius - as did all of the other bits of loose parchment lying around the room. Soon, Sirius was being attacked with an onslaught of all kinds of parchment - pieces of homework left abandoned the night before, notes passed in class, screwed up balls of rubbish, flyers from the common room notice board - and of course, the Marauder's Map, which (quite aptly, James thought), flew straight to Sirius' face, temporarily blinding him before it slid of his face and settled into the mountain of all the other bits of parchment that Sirius had summoned to himself. Throughout all of this, James had been laughing uncontrollably, unable to stop. His face was red from laughing so hard, and he was doubled over, trying to catch his breath. When he finally regained his composure, he straightened up to meet the eyes of a very annoyed Sirius Black.  
"Shit." Sirius swore, looking around him at the island of parchment built up around him that he was now imprisoned in. James quickly bent down and retrieved the Marauder's Map from the top of the giant pile.  
"Don't want to lose this, do we?" James said, wiping the map clean and pocketing it - but not before Sirius caught a glimpse of what James had been focussed in on. He groaned.  
"You were spying on Evans, weren't you? I'm telling you mate, you've got to let that one go. She isn't interested in you." Sirius said, shaking his head, as he stepped out of the middle of the mountain of parchment that he'd collated. James rolled his eyes.  
"She'll come around." He said. Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something, but evidently thought better of it. He turned to face the pile of parchment he'd created.  
"How-" He said in a dismayed voice, "-the hell are we going to get rid of this?" James chuckled.  
"Serves you right." He said, crossing his arms. "What you said could have meant a lot of things. You should have been more specific." He said in a mocking tone, throwing back Sirius' words at him.  
"Shut up." Sirius said, disgruntled. "And help me get rid of this mess."  
"And why would I want to do that?" James said, smiling smugly, like he was expecting something. Sirius' eyes widened and then he sighed in submission.  
"Because I am begging you to grace me with your company and use your magical prowess to help me solve this problem." He said through gritted teeth. James seemed to ponder Sirius' words for a moment, but then he grinned, and started to levitate things back to their original places. "I hate that condition." Sirius complained. "Why should we have to say that stupid thing before the other agrees to help?"  
"It was your idea." James reminded him. Sirius scowled. "Come on. We need to get this all cleared up before anyone realises what has happened."

"Lily! Lily!" Remus said, hurrying to catch up with her. Lily turned around and started walking briskly towards him, her red hair swinging in its plait.  
"Hello Remus." She said, smiling, when they finally reached each other. "What is it?"  
"I just wanted to tell you that I won't be doing prefect duty tonight. I've got to go and visit my mother this weekend, she's incredibly sick." Remus said, panting slightly from his run to her.  
"That's fine. Is she all right?" Lily said concernedly.  
"Oh yes, she's doing fine, she's just feeling a bit poorly." Remus said quickly. "Think nothing of it. I'll see you at dinner?" He asked.  
"Sure, that'd be fine." Lily said, smiling. "Wait-" She said, as they'd both just started to walk away. He stopped and turned around to face her.  
"Yes?" He asked. She swept her sharp green-eyed gaze over him. He looked haggard and scruffy, like he hadn't had the strength to care about his appearance this morning. His clothes hung off him, like he'd suddenly lost too much weight, his collar bones jutting out sharply. His eyes had dark circles beneath them, like he hadn't slept in days.  
"Are _you_ all right?" She asked anxiously. Remus smiled weakly.  
"I'm fine." He said. "See you later."  
"Bye." Lily called out as he turned and walked away. She stood still for a few seconds, chewing her lower lip worriedly, and then hurried back to the Gryffindor common room.

Remus wasn't fine. - But then again, that was inevitable. With the full moon only a few hours away, it was obvious that he would feel like this, uncomfortable and trapped in his own skin, suffocated, itchy, tired, pained. It was as though the wolf inside him was slowly fighting its way out of him, trying to break through his human form. Remus shuddered slightly. He was NOT looking forward to the moment when it succeeded. Remus could only vaguely remember his life before Fenrir Greyback had cursed him with lycanthropy. It'd been like any average boy's: loving parents, quiet house in the suburbs, kind neighbours, and the restless agitated feeling of needing something MORE. Remus - just like any other boy - had wished and wished for his letter from Hogwarts to come soon, so that he could do something different for a change. Change. That was what he'd craved most. Change, life outside this tiny world that he lived in, friends that didn't just consist of the neighbours' children, awards and achievements not just confined to smiles and kind words for 'being a good boy' - but if he'd known that the change that he wished for so desperately would impair his chances of living a normal happy life, maybe he would have reconsidered his desires. Remus didn't like to dwell on the past. It was mostly full of events he didn't want to remember, like the day he became a werewolf and his father's death. But it wasn't all bad. There were many memories that Remus could've clung onto forever, all things that took place in Hogwarts - his friends becoming animagi for him, their first full moon together (at that moment, the joy of company had drowned out the pain of transformation), receiving a prefect letter, having to be the 'middle man' for James and Lily, etc.  
You see, Remus Lupin's life might not have been as fortunate as most. His werewolf curse, financial position, and lack of father did affect his life negatively in many ways. But there were many good things about his life too - his friends, Hogwarts, the Hogsmeade trips...and Remus was determined not to be one of those people that failed to enjoy life because of their impediments. So even if his life seemed incredibly bleak, he loved it. Because even if he didn't have the perfect life, he had something worth living for. And that was enough.

Lily hastily brushed aside her worries for Remus as she walked towards the Gryffindor common room. "He'll be fine." She told herself. "What could possibly go wrong?"  
"Quite a lot in these times." A voice said inside her mind, but she ignored it. She had enough to worry about without making Remus' troubles her own.

You see, Lily had believed in something for so long, and spent so long trying to convince herself that she was doing the right thing - that she wasn't being unfair or judgemental; that her actions were well justified. And now she'd found out she was wrong. About all of it. She felt horrible. More than horrible, she felt like she'd made the biggest mistake in the world, that she was a detestable person, that she didn't deserve the right to change her mind. The regret, the guilt, the self-loathing, it all came down on here, crushing her, suffocating her, forcing her to feel worse than she already did. Because you see, Lily Evans hadn't just changed her mind about something. She'd discovered something, that entirely condemned and rendered pointless the time that she'd spent shunning the fact:

Lily Evans was completely and irrevocably in love with James Potter. And there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

"I think that we've got all of it." Sirius said, looking at the space of blank carpet where the huge mound of parchment used to be.  
"Wait, we missed a spot." James said, stooping down to pick up a small bit of folded parchment.  
"Right, well, I'm going to rest up in the dorm until dinner." Sirius said, starting to make his way up to the boys dormitory. Sirius stopped a few seconds later, when he realised that James wasn't following him. "You all right Prongs?" He said, turning around to look at James. He was still holding the paper, now staring at its contents grimly. "James?" Sirius said. James snapped out of it.  
"Yeah, I'm fine." He said in a way that seemed to imply the contrary, still holding the bit of parchment.  
"What's written on that bit of parchment?" Sirius asked, looking at it curiously.  
"Nothing." James said, much too quickly. Sirius raised his eyebrows.  
"Accio-" He started to say.  
"No!" James exclaimed. "Don't do that. I'm not going to help you clean up a second time." He said.  
"Then let me look at the parchment." Sirius said, stretching out his hand from it.  
"No, it's fine. It's rubbish anyway." said James, throwing the bit of parchment into the bin.  
"If it was really rubbish, you wouldn't care about it so much." Sirius retorted.  
"I don't care about it-" James began to say, but Sirius cut him off.  
"Please, Prongs. I'm your best friend. It's obvious that something about that note's killed your mood. What's wrong? What did it say?" Sirius asked.  
"Nothing! Now come on, we only have a few hours until dinner, I want to figure out our strategy to control Moony this time." James said, climbing the stairs to the boys' dormitory, brushing past Sirius on the way. Sirius stayed still with a puzzled expression on his face, and then turned around to face James' back.  
"Hold on mate." He said, catching up to James, who'd stopped to wait for him. "I thought that you had another plan to date Lily Evans." It took James a few seconds to reply. He faced Sirius and smiled sadly.  
"No, you were right." He said. "I've just got to let that one go." And then James turned away and continued walking to his bed, leaving behind a very surprised and troubled Sirius.

Just as Lily reached the common room, it was dinner time. She looked at her watch frustratedly (Although it was a muggle invention and none of her friends had one, Lily still liked to keep track of the time the old fashioned way) and sighed, beginning to make her way to the great hall. She'd barely taken a few steps when the common room door opened behind her. She turned around, surprised, and saw James and Sirius exiting the common room.  
"Hello!" She said brightly. Lily had grown quite close to James and Sirius ever since the fifth year. She'd always known them better than most, due to her friendship with Remus through prefect duties and shared classes, but it was only around fifth year that they'd actually become friends. She didn't know whether it was the fact that they'd become less irritating or that she'd become more tolerable, but either way, they were friends now. She could feel herself smiling a little bit too widely and relaxed her face a bit. She had to control her reactions around James - she had no right to feel this way about him, not when she'd spent so long abusing him, hating him, hexing him.  
"Hi." James said shortly. Lily stared at him. There was none of the usual lightness in his tone, the spring in his step, the shine in his eyes. He looked away from her gaze, staring at a spot just above her shoulder instead.  
"Hullo Evans." Sirius said, looking at James, perturbed.  
"James?" Lily said anxiously, looking at him deeply. His eyes snapped back to hers. "Are you all right?"  
"I'm fine." He said, smiling a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. It was a strange smile, seeming to communicate melancholy instead of happiness, as is the arbitrary purpose. "Let's go."

They all started to walk towards the great hall, Lily's thoughts racing. She didn't know what was wrong with James, but she didn't like seeing him this way. She could tell that he was upset about something, but what could possibly have been bad enough to make him react this way? She looked at him, striding purposefully in front of her. His fists were tightly clenched, and his shoulders were tensed. His shoulder blades showed through his robes, curving sharply on his back. His hair looked soft to the touch, and...Lily shook herself. She shouldn't be thinking like this. She had no right to. She'd spent much too long a time hating - or what she'd thought was hate - him, and she couldn't just suddenly change her mind now. It was stupid, it was hypocritical, and it was WRONG. She couldn't just suddenly start to reciprocate - if he still felt the same way, that is - James' feelings. It wasn't that simple, it COULDN'T be that simple. All that time she'd spent spurring his advances, treating him like someone whom she despised - how could she have been so BLIND? How could she have thought that it was all always James' fault, that he was just an arrogant prick with no self-respect? How could she have thought such horrible things about someone so kind, so thoughtful, so caring, so perfect? How could she have been such a bad judge of character? Here was James, probably the only person who would still be nice - not even just civil, actually NICE - to her after all of the crap she'd given him (and was, no doubt, still giving him), and there was Severus, the person that she'd spent so long standing up for, trusting, loving almost like the brother she never had, who'd turned out to be exactly like the people she'd thought he was better than. She felt a sharp sting in her eyes, like she was about to start crying, but sharply suppressed it. She could cry about her bad choices later. James and Sirius didn't need to deal with it all.

The walk to the great hall seemed to last forever. Or maybe it was just the fact that James spent all of it wishing for it to end. He didn't want to spend any more time with Lily than he had to. "That isn't something I'd have said a few hours ago." James said, chortling darkly to himself. But of course, he hadn't known what he knew now a few hours ago. He didn't know what he'd expected when he'd picked that bit of parchment up. Someone's note in class? A loose page from someone's notebook? He'd been about to bin it straight away, but he'd just happened to glance down at it and notice Lily's handwriting. Should he have opened when he knew it didn't concern him? Probably not. But it was like he didn't even know what he was doing, his fingers automatically unfolded the piece of parchment, and his eyes read what it said. There had just two or three sentences, and James remembered them perfectly:

"James Potter is an arrogant prick, and I honestly do not think that I have met anyone I so desperately wished I didn't know. He's a deluded, egoistic, pathetic asshole, and I honestly don't know how he can constantly try to ask me out when I have done my best to make it blatantly obvious that I'm not interested. Stupid prat. The only reason he's even interested is because I'm not."

When he'd read those sentences, James' blood had frozen, and a dull ache had started in his chest that just grew by the second. He couldn't believe how stupid he'd been to even believe that he had a chance at being Lily's friend, let alone anything more than that. All this time, that he'd thought he was actually getting somewhere, he'd just been deluding himself further. She didn't even like him as a FRIEND, let alone the way that he wanted her to like him. He felt like an idiot, a prat, and yes, an asshole. Everything that he'd tried to convince himself of these past few years was a lie. Lily Evans did NOT like him, she was NOT becoming better friends with him, and there was certainly NO way that she would 'come around'. The part that hurt the most wasn't that she didn't like him - that should have been obvious from the beginning, he shouldn't have been such an idiot to believe otherwise, but the fact that everything he'd thought was real was all just a façade. A veil that Lily had put over her real emotions, a ploy that he'd fallen for, a game that she was STILL playing, if the way that she'd greeted Sirius and him was anything to judge by. James didn't know who to blame - her, for being so cruel and false, or him for being so stupid and gullible. And the worst part? He STILL loved her. He couldn't stop feeling it. Even after he'd read the note, even after the false 'hello's, he still knew, deep in his heart, that he would do anything for the girl with the red hair and green eyes that seemed to hold a power over him that he could never conquer.

While James had been busy thinking about all of this, they had reached the staircases that would take them down to the great hall. James watched the staircases move detachedly, his mind elsewhere. Lily approached a staircase drowsily, as if she wasn't with them, and stepped forward - into thin air. The staircase had moved on, and Lily started to fall over, her eyes flashing with fear, her mouth open as if she were about to scream. Suddenly, James mind snapped back into action, and he ran forward and caught Lily's hand quickly before she slid into the abyss. He pulled her up, back onto solid ground, his muscles aching as he tried to haul her back up without hurting her too much. Sirius was beside him, helping him drag her back. When she was finally back on the floor, she collapsed onto the floor, gazing fearfully down at the seven-floor drop she'd just escaped. She looked up at James, wide-eyed, as he pulled her into his arms, trying to stop her shaking. She relaxed, her face against his chest, holding him back as tightly as he was holding her, as if they'd never let each other go again. After a few seconds, both of their minds flashed, James' showing him the image of Lily's parchment, and Lily's reminding her that she wasn't allowed to feel the way she did. They both pulled away, getting to their feet, James looking down at her coldly and painfully, while Lily looked away and tried to slow down her heartbeat.

Both of them felt the same way about each other, but neither of them knew it. Both of them thought that they were alone, James suspecting Lily's hatred, and Lily drowning in self-loathing unable to admit her feelings to herself for shame of her past actions. It was a sad situation, but soon things would change, and they both would see, how things were much better (or worse) than what they seemed to be.

**AN:** _I HATE how that ends. =P But things will get better in chapter two, I promise! :D PLEASE review - this is my first fanfiction, so I would REALLY appreciate it._


	2. Danger lies with those who know you best

**AN: **_SORRY about the late update, but please believe me when I say that I've been sufficiently busy. I actually really like this chapter - it's got many events in it that are crucial for later in the story._

_I hope you enjoy it!_

_ - HarryPotterForever1997_

Remus woke up in the hospital wing, his eyes protesting at the harsh white sheets, walls, and curtains, blinding his sharpened vision. He closed his eyes again, slowly trying to turn over and groaning as his body resisted movement painfully. He settled back on his back, trying to focus on the cool feel of the bedsheets instead of the throbbing pains in his body. He felt weak, powerless, drained of energy. He didn't think that he had the strength to get up if he tried. He didn't want to try. At least it wasn't a weekday. He wouldn't have a whole mound of work to look forward to once he was done 'visiting his mother'. Surprisingly, this was the worst part of being a werewolf for Remus. Not the pain of transformation or the habitual estrangement, but the time after each full moon, when his exploits the night before caught up to his human body and left him feeling like he'd just been through a war. It'd been worse earlier - he used to tie himself up every night, and wait for the transformation to begin, every second bringing his dreaded time closer. He'd never find any food, so he used to scratch and bite himself instead, waking up with several lacerations, that he'd had to create several stories to explain. The villagers always believed that the Shrieking shack was haunted because of him, blaming the screams they heard on paranormal beings rather than a wounded werewolf's exclamations of pain. And then his friends had found out. It'd been such a simple thing - they'd followed him out to the Hogwarts grounds one night and seen him freeze the Whomping Willow. They'd waited outside for a while, and had almost given up and gone back - until they heard the screams. They'd rushed in, and witnessed a wolf scratching and biting himself, struggling to break free of the ropes that bound him. They'd stood transfixed in horror for a few minutes, Peter shaking and whining in terror, and Sirius and James standing with faces that could've been carved out of stone. So they'd sat down, and waited for the night to end, watching Remus go through cycles of pain and struggle, his body convulsing as he screamed in pain. At one particularly quiet moment, James had walked to Remus, and reached out to him. He'd been shaking with the finest of tremors, trying to contain himself at seeing his best friend in so much pain. For a moment, it'd seemed as though Remus - their friend, Remus Lupin - had stared back at them from the wolf's blank eyes, but then it'd growled, and swiped at James, sending him flying almost to the other side of the room. James still had the scar, a thick line of puckered, discoloured skin, running diagonally from his left hip bone to the right side of his chest. Remus had almost internally collapsed with guilt when he'd seen it the next morning, but whenever he tried to apologise for it, James would always just say one thing: "Seeing you in so much pain - tied up and screaming, biting and scratching yourself, struggling constantly...it hurt much more than any punch that you could ever throw at me." Remus smiled to himself. If he had anything to be grateful for, it was his friends. They'd accepted him, helped him - even became unregistered animagi for him. Now, the full moon wasn't quite so terrifying for Remus (it still scared him to death, but less so than before). Because he knew that if things ever did get out of control, he'd have at least three friends who'd help him out. And that meant everything.

James woke up in his bed in the Gryffindor dormitory. It was more peaceful than his usual way of waking up. He just opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling calmly, thinking about the night before. It'd been just like any other full moon - they'd all had fun running around in the moonlight with Moony, keeping him under control so he hadn't accidentally hurt anyone. Except this time, James (or Prongs?) hadn't been his usual self. He'd been distracted, and agitated. Even while he'd been bounding around the Hogwarts grounds with Moony, he hadn't been able to stop his thoughts from straying back to the note that he'd found, and what had happened after that...just like he couldn't stop now. James shook himself mentally. He couldn't think about this any more. He thought that the full moon ritual would help him take his mind off things, but it hadn't. He sat up, his hand searching for his glasses on his bedside table.  
"Hey Prongs." Sirius said lazily. James looked up, and saw Sirius leaning on the side of his bedpost, looking down at him.  
"Hi." James said, as he found his glasses and put them on.  
"Did you sleep well?" Sirius asked, his gaze flicking to the bed.  
"Yeah, I guess." James said. "So, what's our plan for this fine Sunday morning?" Sirius looked at him, notably amused.  
"Our plan-" He said, sitting down beside him on the bed. "-is for you to tell me what was written on that note that you saw yesterday. And then we can have some fun." James sighed.  
"I told you-" He began to say, but Sirius cut him off.  
"Come on Prongs, you know I won't buy that 'nothing' bullshit." He said, smiling wryly. "It messed up your whole night too - you couldn't stop thinking about it, I know you couldn't."  
"Nice to know you pay so much attention to me." James said, smiling a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Something you want to tell me Padfoot?" Sirius chuckled.  
"You know that if either one of us is desirable enough to turn the other gay, it's me." Sirius said. "But enough about my superiority in dating appeal. What was on that piece of paper?" James sighed, and gritted his teeth.  
"Right." He said in a tightly controlled voice. "The note." Sirius' watchful gaze seemed to be probing into his face. He looked away, exasperated, and then said: "Look, it was nothing, okay? It just - it proved how much Evans hates me, that's all.  
"What exactly did it say?" Sirius asked calmly. James looked back at him, and he closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as he recited the words that he'd committed to memory, not out of his own volition.  
"It said: 'James Potter is an arrogant prick, and I honestly do not think that I have met anyone I so desperately wished I didn't know. He's a deluded, egoistic, pathetic asshole, and I honestly don't know how he can constantly try to ask me out when I have done my best to make it blatantly obvious that I'm not interested. Stupid prat. The only reason he's even interested is because I'm not.' Happy now?" He demanded when he was done. "You know what it was about, now forget about it. It doesn't matter."  
"Mate, look-" Sirius began to say.  
"No, it's fine! Seriously, you were right. I don't need to bother with her. She obviously doesn't feel the same way - and she must have only been pretending to tolerate my presence these few years." James paused for a fraction of a second, as if he meant to say something else. "It's all right - my mistake, I should have known." Sirius looked as if he was about to say something, but instead just put a hand on James' shoulder.  
"It'll be all right." He said. "There's probably some other explanation for this." James laughed, a harsh bark without humour.  
"If there is, I'd like to know what it is." He said. Sirius patted James on the shoulder once, purposefully, and then left him to his thoughts. James sat still for a few seconds, his jaw clenched, then he got up, got his clothes, and headed to the showers.

"I love you Lily." James said, looking at her deeply. Lily's heart jumped in her chest, and a warm feeling began to spread through her. She could feel herself smiling brightly, and a great feeling of joy overtook her body, giving her a delightful weightless feeling as though everything in the world was okay again. But then James' smile disappeared, and his eyes grew hard and cold, like golden chips of marble. "But you can't love me back. Not after everything that you've done." As soon as James said that, the world seemed to explode, everything shattering into pieces around her. And then Lily was falling, a dizzy sense of vertigo overcoming her. Images of James' face every time she'd rejected him swam around her, and her ears were filled with the sounds of all of the times that she'd shunned him, demeaned him, insulted him, repeating themselves in echoes:  
"Piss off Potter!" "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last person on Earth." "Why won't you just get it? I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU!" "I don't need YOUR help, you're just as bad as him." "Arrogant toerag." "Stupid prat." "Stupid bully." "I swear, your head could not get any bigger." And of course, all of those things that she'd written in her diary all those years ago..."James Potter is an egoistic asshole...I wish I'd never met him...the only reason he's even interested is because I'm not." Lily tried to close her eyes to everything, but it didn't work. The images kept on swimming around her, the echoes repeating themselves, now hearing all of those times that James had asked her out...  
Suddenly, a new voice broke out of the darkness in Lily's head. "Lily!" She strained her ears to hear more of it, not sure whether it was a real voice or another figment of her imagination. "LILY!" Lily woke up with a gasp, sitting up suddenly, and looking around her as if she was dazed.  
The concerned faces of Mary Macdonald, Marlene McKinnon, and Alice Griffiths filled her vision. They were all looking at her as if she'd killed someone.  
"What?" She exclaimed, still trying to get the horrible sense of the dream out of her head, trying to stop it from continuing to impede her real life.  
"Are you okay, Lily?" Marlene said concernedly, sitting down on Lily's left, her blonde hair slowly swaying in its long plait as she did so.  
"Were you having a bad dream?" Mary asked, settling on Lily's right, her light brown hair shining in the sunlight streaming in from the window behind Lily's bed.  
"What's wrong?" Alice said simply, sitting down right in front of Lily.  
"Nothing," Lily said, now a bit more composed. "I just had a bad dream, that's all."  
"Was it about James?" Mary asked. Lily looked at her sharply, her mind beginning to tremble with fear of discovery.  
"Why would you ask that?" She asked in as casual a tone as she could manage, trying not to let her shock show on her face.  
"Because you kept on saying something like 'Sorry James' while you tossed and turned." Mary said. "So..." Lily sighed internally. It wasn't as bad as she'd thought.  
"Um, yeah. I was just feeling a bit guilty about all of those years I spent being such a horrid person to him." Lily said, in what she hoped was a nonchalant tone. Alice raised an eyebrow curiously.  
"Why would you be thinking about that NOW? I thought it was all water under the bridge - that you guys were friends now. Why would it suddenly start making you feel guilty?" Alice asked disbelievingly. Lily shrugged.  
"I don't know." She said. "I guess my conscience is a strange one."  
"Is there something you're not telling us?" Marlene asked. Lily turned to see her friend's green eyes boring into her face, as if she was trying to decipher what Lily was keeping from all of them. Lily looked away quickly.  
"No!" She said in as incredulous a tone she could. "Why would I do that? Anyway, I should go and take a shower now." She said, jumping up and heading for the cupboard. "Breakfast can't be far away."

"Do you feel well enough for breakfast?" Madame Pomfrey asked, gazing down at Remus concernedly. Remus shook his head reluctantly. He felt a bit better, but certainly not well enough to go traipaising down to the Great Hall for breakfast. He WANTED to go though. He wanted to see everyone, talk to his friends...and eat. He was starving.  
"Well all right then." The Matron said, looking troubled. "I'll get you some breakfast."  
"Don't worry about it Poppy." A familiar voice said at the door. Remus turned his head to it quickly, trying to see whether he was right about the unexpected visitor. "We've got Remus covered." Madam Pomfrey turned around with a stern expression on her face, although a smile teased the corners of her lips.  
"James Potter." She said, in a slightly surprised tone. "And Sirius Black of course, and...where's Peter?"  
"He went to the kitchens to get more food." Sirius said, standing beside James and, like him, holding a tray full of food in his hands. Madame Pomfrey pursed her lips slightly.  
"Well, you really shouldn't be here, you know." She said. "I don't think that Remus is well enough for visitors."  
"Oh come on Poppy. Please let us stay. We even got him breakfast!" James said, in his most convincing tone.  
"But you might just tire him out even more. He needs rest." The Matron replied, shaking her head slowly. Remus' heart sank. He didn't want them to leave. Somehow, his eyes caught Sirius', and they exchanged glances in communication, his gaze conveying his wishes pleadingly, and Sirius' eyes responding with complacent confidence of their fulfilment.  
"Please Madame Pomfrey." He said, in a politer tone than Remus had ever heard him speak in before. James looked at him in surprise. The Matron looked at him, clearly amused. "Please let us stay. We promise we won't tire Remus out or anything. We just really want to see our friend, and make sure he's okay."  
"Well, that's really my job." Madame Pomfrey said shortly, but her resolve was wavering. She cast a worried glance at Remus, and then seemed to relax suddenly. "All right." She said. "But I'll just be in the other room, and if I hear any sort of rowdiness, or loud noises, you will have your visitor's privileges revoked." She said sternly. "Is that clear?" She said, looking at James and Sirius hardly.  
"Yes Ma'am." James and Sirius both said, looking slightly taken aback. The Matron smiled and walked away.  
"How're you doing Moony?" James asked, striding over to Remus and putting his tray down on the bedside table in one languid movement.  
"I'm fine." Remus answered, in a voice that sounded much happier than it had a few minutes ago.  
"You sure?" Sirius asked, mimicking James' earlier action.  
"Yes." Remus replied. "I'm fine. You guys didn't have to do this you know. Madame Pomfrey would have gotten me breakfast. You could've stayed and talked to a couple of friends." James made an incredulous noise.  
"'Talk to friends'? While one of our best friends is in the hospital wing? We couldn't have done that." James said, sitting down on the edge of Remus' bed.  
"Yeah, we're a lot of things, but we're not bad friends." Sirius said, dragging a chair near Remus' bed and sitting down on it backwards. He furrowed his eyebrows suddenly. "I hope."  
"No." Remus said, chuckling softly. "You're not."  
"Good." James said, picking up the tray and putting it in Remus' lap. "Now eat."  
"Fine." Remus said, picking up a piece of pumpkin pie and beginning to eat it slowly. "What's wrong with you?"  
James froze, his smile faltering. "What do you mean?"  
"I mean-" Remus said, enunciating every word. "-that you don't seem to be yourself. What's wrong?"  
Sirius glanced at James quickly and then met Remus' eyes, both of them silently communicating. James looked at them sharply, and they dropped their eyes, sheepish at having been caught (mentally) discussing him in his presence.  
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Prongs." Remus said gently, sensing that something was holding James back. James sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair.  
"Nothing. Just further proof of how pathetic I am to keep chasing after Evans, that's all. Another piece of evidence about her deep hatred for me." James said in a forcibly light tone. Everything about his behaviour conveyed complete insouciance about the situation, but anyone who knew him well enough would have been able to see the cracks in his visage. All his muscles were tensed and his smile carried none of its lazy charm, rather a false strained quality. His eyes were dark and stormy, their normally light hazel now dark copper. Remus opened his mouth as if to say something, but evidently thought better of it. "I suppose you're going to ask me what happened for me to think this way?" Remus shook his head slowly. James looked surprised. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He asked.  
"Maybe he wouldn't, but I certainly do." said a familiar voice at the door. James' eyes widened, and Sirius let out an involuntary gasp. Remus just stared at the entrance disbelievingly, unable to register what he saw. James turned around slowly, and saw the last person he wanted to see.  
Standing in the doorway, looking incredibly distraught, was Lily Evans.

Lily looked around anxiously for James, her smile faltering when she saw that his usual seat was empty. She plastered a false grin on her face and walked over to her friends, sitting down with them.  
"Hey guys!" She said in a falsely cheery tone. She couldn't let them see how distressed she really was. Discovery meant explanation. Explanation meant divulgement. And she couldn't divulge her secrets. Not now, not ever. Marlene barely glanced at her before looking back at her copy of the daily prophet, her bright green eyes quickly skimming the page.  
"Anything important?" Alice asked gently. Marlene's family had been attacked by death-eaters about a month ago - everything had been taken care of, but they were still trying to find the guilty party. Marlene snapped the paper shut suddenly, a surly look on her face.  
"Nothing." She said gloomily. "Nothing's going on." Alice looked as if she were about to say something, but then turned back to her plate suddenly, keeping her eyes on her food.  
"Oh my god." She whispered out of the corner of her mouth. "It's Frank. Hide me." The other three girls smiled between themselves, though Lily's mind was only half-there. A tall broad-shouldered smiling boy with sharp features and green eyes walked to Alice lazily, sliding into the seat next to her. He smiled, looking around at everyone.  
"Morning." He said. Everyone nodded in agreement. His gaze finally came to rest on Alice, studiously trying to ignore him. "Hey Al." He said in a soft voice. Alice clenched her fists and looked up at him, her eyes blazing.  
"What are you doing here?" She hissed. He looked at her teasingly.  
"Whatever do you mean?" He said in the most sarcastic tone possible.  
"You know what I mean." Alice said in a tightly controlled voice. "Go away." The girls looked at each other, alarmed. They hadn't known that Alice and Frank had had a fight.  
"Al-" Frank began to say, reaching for her hand. Alice pulled her hand away abruptly, and got up. She looked around at her friends.  
"I need some air." She said, gathering up her things. "And don't follow me." She said, giving Frank a pointed glare. Then she turned on her heel, and walked away.  
"Frank-" Lily began to say, but Frank just sighed, exasperated, ran a hand through his dark brown hair and quickly started after Alice. Lily was momentarily stunned, not just because Frank had understood the unspoken 'when-a-girl-tells-you-not-to-follow-her-you-reall y-should' without her help, but because when Frank had run his hand through his hair, the gesture had seemed so familiar and James-like to Lily that she had had to take a moment to centre her feelings.  
"Okay...so, as I was saying..." Mary began awkwardly, trying to diffuse the tension. "Where are the marauders?" Lily looked at her sharply - had Mary noticed her searching?  
"Well, Remus is in the hospital wing. Maybe the others are visiting him." Marlene said, her voice muffled as she took a bite of a muffin.  
"What?" Lily exclaimed.  
"Well...yes, I saw him there this morning when I went to get my daily stress draught." Marlene said, and then, in response to Lily and Mary's concerned expressions: "I'm fine guys. Just a bit stressed, that's all. Who wouldn't be, with the exams coming up?" Lily looked at her for a moment longer and then decided not to pursue it.  
"Well, Remus wasn't in prefect duty yesterday, but he told me that he was going to be visiting his mother this weekend..." Lily let her voice trail off. "He did look like hell though."  
"Maybe he didn't want you to know he was sick." Mary said, licking the icing off her cupcake.  
"Why would he want that?" Lily asked, perturbed. Mary shrugged.  
"I don't know. To seem tough? You know how guys are about their manhood." Mary said. Marlene rolled her eyes.  
"Well going to visit your mother is hardly more manly than being sick." Marlene said.  
"Well, I should probably go and visit him then." Lily said, getting up.  
"But you haven't had any breakfast yet!" Mary exclaimed. Lily looked down at her abandoned plate.  
"I'm not hungry." She said. And then, looking back at Mary and Marlene: "I'll meet you guys back in the dorm later. And take care of Al, could you? I mean, I know that Frank's handling it, but she hasn't been well for some time."  
"Neither have you Lily." Marlene said, looking at her strangely. Lily blinked once.  
"I'm fine." She said. "See you guys later."  
"Bye." Mary and Marlene called out as she walked away.  
But she was already gone.

The walk to the hospital wing was a short and quiet one. Lily tried not to think about anything as she made her way through empty hallways because her mind kept on straying back to the reason that she was going. A large part of her was concerned for Remus, and was dreading seeing him, in case he was worse off than she thought. Remus spent a lot of time ill, but Lily could never stop worrying about him when he was. She shared an odd bond with the scruffy hard-working boy whose ability to be kind to everyone despite having a mean side was oddly endearing instead of repelling. She cared about Remus as she would care about a brother - he was one of her dearest friends, and she would have done anything for him. The other part of her was guiltily hoping that James would be there. Lily stopped walking abrubtly, and tried to stop thinking about that smaller part. She couldn't think about that possibility. It should be a reason for her NOT to go if anything, although it would be wrong of her to refrain from visiting Remus just because things with James were awkward. - despite that though, she couldn't let herself feel overwhelmed and even excited about seeing James - she had no right to feel this way, not now, not ever. She'd spent too long denying it. She stepped into the hospital wing purposefully - and then froze. Because diagonally on her left was Remus lying in a hospital bed, James and Sirius either side of him. They appeared to be talking about something and didn't seem to notice her. But it wasn't James' presence in the room that paralysed her, or his voice that seemed to surround her as he spoke, like in her dream. It was what he was saying. About her.  
"...more evidence about her hating me." Lily felt a wave of shock slam into her, leaving her feeling weak and dazed. James thought that she hated him? After all of the time that she'd spent growing closer to the marauders, trying to prove that her previous actions didn't define how she felt about them now...had it all really been for NOTHING? He'd probably found something - but what? Lily hadn't written or said anything about about hating James for the past year. She'd even torn out all of the old pages of her diary, in which she'd insulted James, because she'd been unable to look at them without feeling consumed by guilt, and - a feeling of cold realisation overcame Lily. She knew exactly what had happened now. James had found one of her old diary pages, and thought that the opinion expressed in them was still the one she held now. Well, that was easy enough to explain away - wasn't it?

"Alice." Frank said quietly. "I'm sorry." Alice stared at him. He'd finally caught up to her on her way to Transfiguration, and now they were standing in the empty classroom. He was leaning against the teacher's desk, looking exhausted. She stood by the windows, feeling the same.  
"Frank, it's okay-" Alice began.  
"No, it isn't." He interrupted, his green eyes shining with self-loathing. "You have every right to be angry, and don't say you overreacted. You didn't. I can't tell you how bad I feel." He looked down at his shoes, as though his thoughts were made of lead.  
"Frank." Alice said abrubtly. His head snapped up and he looked at her intensely. "I just STORMED OUT of breakfast, because I was angry at you for being sexist when you were high on butterbeer - in a world where sexism is normality, I really don't see how this is any of your fault. I mean, yes, I can be annoyed, maybe even a little angry, but certainly not furious. I'm sorry."  
"Shut up!" Frank exclaimed, exasperated. Alice felt the yell like she would've felt a slap. She saw a flash of regret in Frank's eyes. "Come here." He said, his expression softening. Alice walked briskly to him almost without her own volition, stepping into his arms. One of his hands rubbed slow circles on the small of her back, while the other teased the back of her neck with its fingertips. Immediately, Alice felt herself relaxing. It was like all that she needed for all of the tension to disappear was to be in close proximity of Frank. "Listen to me." He said calmly. "You're not wrong. In ANY way. I'm at fault here, and you need to see that. I'm not saying that to make you feel better, but because I genuinely believe it. Alice, 'living in a sexist world' isn't an excuse for anything. I know that people are used to the jokes, but that doesn't make it okay. Besides, what I said..." Frank trailed off, shaking his head. "I was a pig. And I'm sorry. The only thing that you did was treat me as you should have treated me, okay?" He lightly chucked her chin. "And the butterbeer doesn't excuse anything either. I should have a higher tolerance." Alice smiled, and giggled happily. Frank smiled at the sound of her chuckle, an amused expression on his face. "What?" He asked.  
"If you were any other guy, we'd be having a completely different conversation. I was prepared to swallow my anger, and move on, but you-" She lightly poked his nose. "-know what the right thing to do is. You know what the right thing is, period. So...thank you." Frank raised his eyebrows.  
"To what do I owe this gratitude?" He asked, bemused.  
"Thank you for not being a male chauvinist pig." Alice said. Frank began shaking his head again, looking slightly saddened. "What?"  
"You don't need to thank me for being a decent human being, Al." Frank said. "Just because everyone else doesn't believe that sexism is unacceptable doesn't mean that I do. And it doesn't MAKE it acceptable either - well, okay, maybe for now, but it doesn't make it RIGHT. And I know that you've grown up with believing it does - we all have - but that isn't true, okay? Please understand that." Alice started laughing uncontrollably, her hair falling into her face. Frank pushed back a strand of hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear. "What?" He asked when she finally stopped.  
"Nothing." She said. "I just never thought I'd meet a male feminist, that's all."  
"Well, we're a dying race." Frank said, smiling. "Like the left-handers - such as you and I."  
"And how do you propose we survive?" Alice asked.  
"We stick together. And don't let anyone hurt the other. Does that sound all right to you?" Alice grinned.  
"That sounds perfect." She said.

"Continue!" Lily said in a depressed voice. "Why do you think I hate you?" James didn't look sad now. He just looked angry.  
"Don't act like you don't know." He said, moving towards her.  
"I assure you, I don't." Lily said, taking a step closer to him. Her green eyes were full of innocence, like she wasn't being deceptive - maybe she was truely clueless? James heart lept for a second, but then he shook himself. He couldn't trust himself to interpret her expression. He'd probably been reading it wrongly for years.  
"I completely believe you." James said sarcastically, and then turned away. Lily came around and stood directly in front of him. Now she had her back to Remus and Sirius, both of whom were watching James with wide eyes.  
"Tell me why you think I hate you." She said with determination, although her eyes had dark circles beneath them, and her small frame was shaking with the finest of tremors. Despite himself, James pointed to the edge of Remus' bed.  
"Sit down. You look like you're about to collapse." Lily looked at him for a moment longer, and then sat down, a look of gratitude passing over her face. She didn't take her eyes off James.  
"Tell me." She said again.  
"I found a bit of parchment in the common room." He said, and then, in response to her blank expression: "It had your handwriting on it." Lily's eyes widened.  
"It couldn't have been mine. Besides, how could a bit of parchment have made you think that I hate you?" James looked at her sadly.  
"Because of what it said." He said. So for the second time that day, James launched into a repetition of the note's words: "'James Potter is an arrogant prick, and I honestly do not think that I have met anyone I so desperately wished I didn't know. He's a deluded, egoistic, pathetic asshole, and I honestly don't know how he can constantly try to ask me out when I have done my best-" He stopped when Lily cut him off.  
"-my best to make it blatantly obvious that I'm not interested. Stupid prat. The only reason he's even interested is because I'm not.'" Lily finished in a ghost of a whisper, her eyes looking as though they didn't want to see. James was stunned momentarily. He would never have admitted it, but there was always a part of him that had hoped that Lily hadn't actually written the note, that he hadn't been right to assume she had. He knew it was impossible - what could he blame it on? A forgery charm? Did those even exist? - but he hadn't been able to stop himself from believing. Until now. A cold feeling overtook him, turning him numb, and he could feel his expression turning to ice.

"So you did write it." Sirius said in a harsh tone, his voice carrying notes of both surprise and hatred. Lily looked dejected.  
"Yes." She said. "But-"  
"I think you should go Lily." Remus said coldly, cutting her off. Remus, the one who was always gentle, always kind, was ordering her out with pure hatred and disappointment in his eyes. It was all she could do not to cry.  
"Let me explain." She said, looking around at them with wide eyes.  
"Please." James said sarcastically.  
"I did write the note..." Lily began slowly. "...but not any time in the recent past." James let out a harsh bark of laughter, his expression completely sceptical.  
"Yes, that's why it was in the common room yesterday morning." He said.  
"I left it there after ripping it out." Lily said, praying that they'd believe her. She could feel her voice getting steadily shakier by the second. She was getting closer to breaking point. "I've been...guilty recently, about how I treated you all in our first few years at Hogwarts. So I decided to destroy the evidence. I mean, no point in holding on to those times. I've moved on."  
"Evidently." James said, obviously still doubtful.  
"I swear, I am telling the truth!" Lily exclaimed. She felt a dampness on her cheeks, and put her hand to her face, surprised to feel it come away wet. She was crying. Lily giggled inwardly. She was crying! It was over! She'd broken! It felt like a cosmic joke. After all of the weeks she'd spent keeping the tears down, doing her best to swallow her emotions, trying her best to deny her feelings, controlling her thoughts so that the guilt didn't suffocate her, she'd been inching closer and closer to the edge of a black abyss - like the one that James had saved her from the night before. Lily had always thought that falling into the black abyss would've meant losing everything - complete confession would've ripped away her protection, and left her completely bare against the brunt of her guilt. But now she was here - she was crying - and it didn't feel anything like falling into a black abyss. More like glorious freedom, gained after so long. Remus and Sirius glanced at each other in surprise, and James unfolded his arms suddenly, and took a small step towards her. Lily stopped sobbing, wiping her eyes.  
"I'm sorry." She said. "That was uncalled for. I'm just being a drama queen." She stood up, smoothing down her robes. "Get well soon Remus. And Potter - I don't hate you. I haven't for a long time, and I'm sorry that I gave you reason to believe that I did." And with that, Lily turned around and walked away. The three boys stared after her retreating figure, turning to look at each other when she was gone.  
"So that's good news right?" Remus asked, looking at James eagerly. "She doesn't hate you! Of course, that doesn't mean she likes you either, but you know; baby steps..." James smiled and lightly punched Remus' stomach - very lightly, he barely felt it himself.  
"Yes, it's good news that Evans doesn't hate me." He said, his eyes shining with a bright light that had been absent for the past 24 hours. The light went out suddenly, his expression changing into something much more grim. "But there's something wrong with her." He said worriedly.  
"Prongs..." Sirius began seriously "I know that you find it hard to believe that Evans doesn't despise you when your best mates can barely stand you, but I assure you - there is nothing wrong with Lily. She genuinely doesn't hate you." He said, clapping a hand on James' soldier and looking at him with a completely composed expression. The only thing that betrayed his lack of sobriety was the mischievous look in his eyes. James shrugged off Sirius' hand, smiling slightly.  
"No." He said, shaking his head. "It isn't that. There's just something else going on with her. Has been for a few weeks, but it isn't just normal drama - I can see that now. She wouldn't have broken down like that otherwise." He looked at Remus and Sirius expectantly - they stared back with blank expressions.  
"I don't understand you." Sirius said shortly. "You must be psychoanalysing." James rolled his eyes.  
"I am NOT psychoanalysing." James said. "I just know her better than the two of you, that's all." Remus and Sirius exchanged glances. Remus raised his eyebrows.  
"Oh REALLY?" He said.  
"Yes." James replied in an almost bored tone.  
"Well, I guess we'd better not doubt the Evans expert, huh Remy?" Sirius said in a mocking tone. Remus' growing expression of mischief gave way to annoyance at the word 'Remy'.  
"I have told you not to call me that." He said pointedly, glaring at Sirius.  
"Oh but it suits you so well..." James began, joining in the teasing now that he wasn't the subject.  
"No it doesn't."  
"Yes it does." Sirius said.  
"No it doesn't."  
"Yes it does." James repeated.

Lily smiled at the sound of the boys' voices as they argued, amused despite her dark mood. Lily had dropped her wand as she'd exited the ward, and it was inside the room now. She'd tried an 'Accio' charm, but all that it did was make it slam into the door. She hadn't wanted to walk in immediately, when they'd been talking about James' happiness and his suspicions about her. She was just waiting for the right time in the conversation, so that she could dash in without seeming like she'd been eavesdropping, and retrieve her wand without any awkwardness. She supposed that she should do it now - they weren't discussing anything related to her. But she was too afraid to face James. She was afraid he'd figure out what was 'wrong with her'.

James knew Lily better than she knew herself - it was true, all of those times that he'd said it HADN'T been lies. Over the past year Lily had realised just how well James knew her, and now she knew that it was so well that it scared her. Lily was scared that James would find out what was going on with her if her tried - and that was something that she could NEVER let happen, no matter how difficult it was to decieve him. If James found out that Lily had romantic feelings for him, after all of those years of false hatred...she didn't know what he would do. But she didn't want to find out. She guessed she'd just have to avoid James as best as she could. Taking a deep breath, Lily stepped forward and pushed the door open.

The door opened suddenly, and all three boys stopped laughing to look at the entrance. For the second time that day, Lily stood there looking at them for a few seconds. And then she bent down and picked up a long black piece of willow that was on the ground.  
"Dropped my wand earlier." She said, already turning to go away. James felt a flash of panic and called after her quickly.  
"Lily, wait!" He called. She stopped abrubtly and turned around, her face looking...fearful? But why would Lily be scared of him? James shook the thought from his mind. It was just one of the many things that was off about Lily nowadays - and he had to find out why. For some reason, James just couldn't let it go this time - his mind possessed a sense of complete urgency when faced with the task of finding out what had caused Lily to be this way, almost as if the answer was important and somehow relevant to him. James took a deep breath. He'd always told himself that Lily Evans was a soul that he knew just as well - perhaps even better - than his own. Now was the time to put that theory to the test.  
"Can I speak to you please?" He asked as politely as he could. His whole body seemed to be buzzing with excitement and anxiety. He didn't know why, but finding the reason behind Lily's behaviour seemed to be fundamental to continue with life normally. With a seemingly scared and fragile look in her eyes, Lily nodded slowly.

Despite herself, Lily had a sinking feeling in her chest. She couldn't help thinking "It's over".

**AN:** _I just love cliffhanger endings too much to let this one end normally. =P I'm not really sure what's going to happen next, but Chapter 3 will be up as soon as possible. =) PLEASE review - this is my **first** fanfiction, so I would_ _**really **appreciate it!_


	3. Lies can't be erased, only hidden

**AN: **_Okay, so here's chapter three of my fanfiction. This one's really long and so was hell to edit. PLEASE forgive me for the length/jumpiness of this particular chapter, it took me a while to get all of the storylines straight in my head. I think that chapter 4 will probably be more focussed on James/Lily, just a single story arc instead of a multiple one - or would you guys like to see some of the storylines continue? FEEDBACK PLEASE!_

_~HarryPotterForever1997_

_**Lies can't be erased, only hidden:**_

"What's wrong Lily?" James asked directly. Lily felt a twinge of disappointment go through her. She'd been hoping that she'd be able to stall and keep changing the subject until they were so far off track that James didn't even realise that he hadn't discovered the reason behind Lily's strange behaviour yet - but then again, she should have known better; James was too smart to let her guide him away from his point, even if he didn't know that that was precisely what she was trying to do.  
"Nothing." She said tiredly. "I'm fine." James shook his head.  
"No you're not." He said almost instantly, obviously ready to repeat himself if deemed necessary. But Lily didn't feel like a 'No you're not - Yes I am!" argument. She just wanted to go back to the Gryffindor dormitories and collapse.  
"Yes I am - and DON'T reply please, I really don't feel up to an argument of that sort." She said sternly when James opened his mouth to reply promptly. He closed it again, looking troubled.  
"You really don't seem to be up to anything nowadays - are you alright Lily?" He said worriedly.  
"YES, I'm fine...is this all that you needed to ask me?" Lily said, trying to sound annoyed.  
"Lily, stop lying to me." James said abruptly. "You're not fine, you haven't been for a while. You didn't go to the Easter Ball, you've been having terrible nightmares and sleepwalking every night, you missed the last three prefect training sessions not counting the most previous one, you keep on forgetting to do your homework, I never see you roaming the halls with Mary and Marlene and Alice anymore, and you just broke down in there!" He said, gesturing to the door to the Hospital wing, which they'd both just exited. "So how about you tell me what's wrong? Because we both know I won't believe you if you say otherwise." Lily sighed.  
"James, look, I'm fine, okay? I've just been a bit worried about some things, that's all." Lily said, trying to put as much authenticity as possible into her voice, despite knowing that it was hopeless. James stayed silent for an instant.  
"And how many stress draughts have you taken in the past months?" He asked shortly. Lily was so taken aback that it took her some time to answer.  
"N-none, why?" She asked, failing to see the significance of such a question.  
"Because-" James said, taking a step closer to her. "If it was really just you being worried, you would've taken quite a few."  
"No I wouldn't have." Lily said automatically. This at least was the truth, she hadn't taken any stress draughts, though admittedly only because she felt as though she didn't deserve to use one to calm her nerves about something that was so obviously her fault. "Besides, I don't need any. I'm not THAT worried." Back to lies again. James took another step towards Lily, now directly in front of her, and took her hand, all in one fluid movement. Despite herself, Lily gasped shortly, surprised at suddenly being so close to him.  
"You're shaking." He said softly, looking down at her hand. She looked down too and saw that she was indeed shaking slightly. "And-" He continued, moving his hand, still holding hers to her forehead. She suppressed a shiver. "You're freezing. No wonder you're cold." Lily closed her eyes, shaking her head slowly, trying to deny what he'd just made clear. "And you only get like this when you're in a self-loathing mood." Lily's eyes snapped open and she stared at James with surprise. James smiled knowingly, and moved her hand back to her side, stepping away slightly. Immediately, Lily felt colder. "That's what's wrong with you - you hate yourself. Something probably happened recently, and it makes you guilty, so you've directed every single ounce of dislike that you can find inside yourself towards you - just so that you can justify your guilt without feeling like an idiot, because I'm sure that what's happened isn't even your fault. That's why you won't take any stress draughts or socialise with anyone anymore - you feel like you don't deserve it." He paused slightly, giving Lily's brain a small chance to process what had just happened. "But you're WRONG. And I'm going to prove it to you, just as soon as I find out what this is all about - which I WILL. It's only a matter of time Lily, I'm going to bring you back. I promise." And with that James turned around and walked towards the door to the Hospital Wing, leaving Lily alone and stunned.  
"You're wrong!" Lily called after him, but she let her voice trail off before she had finished speaking. Even to her ears, it sounded like another lie.

***

"Is everything ready?" Mary asked excitedly, hopping on her tiptoes out of excitement. Marlene glanced furtively at her and rolled her eyes.  
"Everything's fine, it has been for ages. You know how long Frank's been planning this for, don't you?" She said, in a completely un-enthusiastic tone.  
"But where IS Frank?" Mary asked, looking around puzzledly.  
"Probably finishing off something last minute, he'll tell us before he goes to get Alice, don't worry." Marlene said.  
"Everything's so PERFECT." Mary said sighing happily, looking around her at the result of the several weeks of hard work that Frank, Marlene, Mary, and Lily (partly) had put into organising the party. The common room looked beautiful. There were gold and purple banners everywhere - Alice's favourite colours - all saying "Happy Sweet Sixteen Alice!", streamers, balloons...everything. Frank had even managed to somehow enchant minuscule pictures of Alice to fly around everywhere, making it truly feel like something dedicated to her (they were only made of light, so the chances of any hazardous accidents was severely limited). Every table and shelf of the common room had been completely cleared of books, pieces of parchment, stationary and everything else school-related, and their contents were replaced with flickering candles that could be dimmed or lowered using incantations, and snacks and drinks in glasses and bowls that refilled them automatically (it'd taken Mary an incredibly long time to sweet-talk the house elves into giving her the magic behind THAT, and even longer to figure out how to get it to work.). The common room looked perfect, and it was filled with people all waiting for Alice. Everyone was dressed formally in some way, even the guys who had actually opted for collared shirts over jeans instead of normal T-Shirts - still not as formal as the girls, who were all in dresses of some kind, but it was still something. The girls' clothes were a swathe of colour and styles, pink, yellow, blue, black - someone had even showed up wearing a dress enchanted to change according to their mood, probably a metamorphagus. The ambience in the room was one of happy anticipation as everyone patiently awaited Alice's arrival - everyone was here for her because it was invitation only, due to the need of a password to get into the common room. Those that weren't interested in Alice's birthday had gone to the party that Johnathan and Lucius Malfoy were holding, one that was bound to be a rager considering that there was a lot more alcohol and potions involved in that event, with NO security whatsoever. The best part was that James had somehow managed to get the Gryffindor portrait to change the password for the night, so that non-Gryffindor students could also attend (providing they'd received the invitation with the new password and details of course). Mary turned back to Marlene, the skirt of her pink A-lined dress billowing out slowly as she did. Marlene was wearing a high-necked, knee-length blue dress, with a black border around the edges. It would've looked almost virginal if it wasn't for the fact that it was skin-tight and had small cuts at slightly above hip level, to show off her incredibly well defined abdominal muscles and flat stomach. Mary had been planning to buy something like that but then decided against it when she saw how much Marlene had wanted it. Marlene had rarely been interested in parties or gatherings of any kind since the death eater attack on her parents, and Mary didn't want to make things worse by causing a dress argument.  
"Everything's perfect isn't it?" Marlene said smiling slightly.  
"Yes, it is." Mary said. "Except...where's Lily?" Marlene's face fell.  
"I don't know." She said looking around her quickly. "When was the last time you saw her?"  
"Breakfast." Mary said. "I haven't seen her all day long."  
"Well she was visiting Remus, maybe she just stuck around there." Marlene said, biting her lower lip, a sign of anxiety.  
"For the whole day?" Mary countered. Just at that moment, the common room door opened and James walked in with Sirius and Remus.  
"Oh thank goodness." Mary said, making her way over to them.  
"Have any of you seen Lily?" Mary asked.  
"Last time we checked, she was with you." Marlene said beside her.  
"Have any of you seen Peter? He was supposed to be at the kitchens, but when I went to check, he wasn't there." Sirius asked, nudging James to elaborate, but James was still staring at Mary.  
"What do you mean 'she was with us'? I mean, we did see her this morning, but that was over seven hours ago!"  
"What?" Mary exclaimed. "Then where is she?"

***

Lily wearily walked back towards the common room. She'd made a last-minute decision to go to the library instead of back to the common room after her conversation with James and spent the whole day looking for spells and potions to stop someone from discovering your secrets, or to temporarily scramble their memories so they didn't remember certain things, or to stop feeling a certain way for someone. But everything that she'd come up with was either too dangerous or too drastic, or just plain impossible. So now she was walking back to the common room, dragging her feet defeatedly. She just hoped that her friends were out enjoying themselves. She couldn't deal with conversation right now, and the thought of having to fight to stay in the dormitory made ile rise in her throat. She just wanted to go to bed. That was all.

Lily approached the common room door and muttered the password expressionlessly. "Dried boomslang skin." The Fat Lady looked at her with a surprised expression, the pity showing in her eyes.  
"You weren't invited to the party, dearie?" She asked.  
"What party-" Lily started to say, but then the door to the common room swung open to reveal James. Lily stared at him, dressed in a black collared shirt over light-wash jeans, the pounding in her ears drowning out the Fat Lady's complaints about 'children these days'  
"Lily!" He said breathlessly, like he'd suddenly swung open the door not out of his own volition. "Thank goodness, you're so late for the party!"  
"W-what?" Lily said, starting to sway on her feet. A flash of concern lit up James' eyes, and he put a hand on her shoulder to steady her.  
"Lucky for you, Alice isn't here yet. Frank just left to get her. Now come on, you need to get ready quickly." James said, starting to usher he inside. Lily's mind was a jumble of thoughts, caught on James' repeating words.  
"The-the p-arty for Alice - surprise, quickly, tonight Frank-" She said in a fragmented way. James immediately stopped leading her inside, halfway over the threshold.  
"Are you okay Lily?" He asked softly, obviously worried. She looked behind him, at the common room, at the decorations, at the food...at her friends, standing there waiting for her with anxious looks on their faces, and everyone else, staring at her out of curiosity as to WHY exactly Alice's best friend wasn't ready yet. Lily wasn't ready yet. More than that, she hadn't even been here to help with the decorations or the setting up or the food or...anything. She was more than just hopelessly late, she was inexcusably absent, she'd forgotten - FORGOTTEN about tonight, about what a big deal it was to Frank, about all of the hours that had been spent planning this even. She'd forgotten - because she hadn't been herself, because she'd been too preoccupied with her secrets and self-hate to pay attention to the poeple she loved. And it was shocking because it was her - the old Lily would never have forgotten about this party, or shirked her responsibilities like she just had. The old Lily would've known what he priorities were and not spent so long being selfish and self-destructive instead of helpful and productive. James was right - she WASN'T herself anymore, she'd lost that person a long time ago, and he was also correct in thinking that she needed to be brought back. With a considerably large amount of effort, she looked up at him and leaned in close, close enough that she could see each individual eyelash on his face and the different tones of his skin. "Help me." She whispered with the last ounce of strength she could feel she had. "Please."  
And that's when Lily fainted.

***

"Hey Alice!" Frank said, calling out to her when he saw her back. She turned around to face him, smiling, and he experienced a sudden jolt of pain and happiness in the look of surprise and slight hurt in her eyes. She thought that no one remembered that tomorrow was her birthday - not even him. But hopefully she'd find out how wrong she was about that soon enough. "What's up?" He asked when he finally reached her, standing about 3cm away, facing her. To his surprise, she didn't reply, but instead slid her arms around him, holding him tight. Slightly dazed, he held her to him. "What's wrong Al?" He whispered, pulling back to face her. To his shock, he saw that there were tears in her eyes.  
"I just...really love you, you know?" She said. He was even more confused now. He took her face in his hands, wiping away her tears softly using his thumbs.  
"I know you do Al, I love you too, but what's this about?" He asked, puzzled. She took some time to stop crying, and when she'd finally stopped gasping for breath, she smiled up at him.  
"Nothing, I'm just being an idiot. I was thinking about the war, and how so many people have lost family members and people they love, and I know it's selfish, but...I really like my life Frank. I don't want to lose anyone, I don't want to stop living like this. I don't want to lose Lily, Mary, Marlene, YOU, James, Sirius...anyone! And I know it's stupid, because soon we'll be graduating and I'll probably lose everyone then, but-" She broke off, shaking her head. "I just...don't want things to change Frank. I mean, obviously they will, but I don't want them to change-to change in THAT way. I know it's stupid and selfish of me, you can say so." Frank shook his head at her, and held her to him again. She held him back tightly, like she'd never let him go.  
"Okay, first of all, you're not being selfish by being unoriginal." He said. He felt her small laugh go through him, and smiled. "You want what everyone wants, and for good reason - I mean come on, no one wants to see things change! Especially in the way that we've seen them change for others. Growing up sucks anyway, we don't need it to be guaranteed that the last time that we see the people we love will definitely be school. But-" He pulled back to face her. "Worrying about it only wastes the time that we DO have right now. And I promise that I will do my BEST to make sure that things don't change too much after college, and that our lives DON'T change in THAT way - we all will, but that doesn't change the fact that right NOW we could be doing more fun things instead of worrying about the ever-changing future - I mean, isn't there a reason you dropped Divination? No one can predict that!" Alice started laughing and broke away from him, keeping her hand in his as they started to walk towards the Gryffindor Common Room side by side.  
"Yeah, even a quiet night in the common room is more fun than trying to figure out whether we'll end up being aurors or healers or teachers." She said, giggling happily. Frank smiled at the sound of her laugh, and silently prayed that tonight would turn out to be a lot more than a 'quiet night' in the common room.

***  
James caught Lily as she fainted, suddenly acutely aware of her presence. His mind struggled to catch up with his actions as he moved out of his own volition, carrying her quickly, one arm under her knees and the other supporting her shoulders. As he pushed through the crowds and settled her on a couch in front of the fireplace, he couldn't help but be especially aware of how thin she'd become. Everywhere he looked, she was hard and bony, all sharp angles with skin stretched tautly over bones. He moved on to adjusting her position on the couch, moving her so that her face was to the ceiling and she was in no danger of falling off. His mind kept on taking him back to the moment right before she'd collapsed, the expression on her face, the complete despair in her eyes, the way she'd weakly whispered "Help me. Please." Somehow he didn't think that she'd been referring to him catching her. Her words had meant something more, something to do with the epiphany she'd had. It seemed to him that Lily had finally realised how much she'd changed, and how right he was to want to bring her back - but that still didn't explain why she'd fainted.  
"Exhaustion, most probably." Sirius said gravely. James glanced at him, surprised, and then looked back at Lily after determining that he hadn't been speaking aloud. He knew that his best friends knew about his still-existing feelings for Lily, but he didn't like to endorse his pathetic 'crush' (even though it felt like it was so much than that) on her than he had to.  
Someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to look at them, not taking his hand off Lily's shoulder.  
"Thanks a lot James." Marlene said. He just nodded, not acknowledging her gratitude. There was no thanks necessary, he'd only done what anyone in his position would have. "But I think that we should take her up to the dormitories now, you know? Let her sleep it off."  
James nodded curtly, carrying Lily to the end of the staircase and then letting Mary and Marlene support her. He didn't take his eyes off her red hair until she was gone. Remus came to stand beside James and clapped him on the shoulder reassuringly.  
"She'll be fine." He said. James looked at him and nodded.  
"I know." He said.  
Now he just had to find a way to believe it.

***

Lily woke up with a dull ache in her head. She sat up, wincing slightly, a drowsy feeling overcoming. She reached for the glass of water that...whoever had brought her up here, Mary and Marlene probably...had left for her on the bedside table, and caught a glimpse of a note. She picked it up and read it quickly, recognising Marlene's untidy hurried scrawl:  
"Have to go surprise Alice with the party - Be back soon, I promise!" Lily dropped the note and quickly hopped out of bed. She picked up the glass of water and drained it in half a second, already reaching to open the wardrobe door. She had to get ready quickly. Alice's party awaited, and she couldn't be any later - or absent - than she already was. She quickly pulled out an outfit that the girls had bought for her a week ago, a backless dress down to a little above her knees, with netted long sleeves. She dressed quickly, careful not to tear the material or accidentally jam the zip - there was no time to resolve those issues. She dragged a comb through her hair, put on some lip balm, and grabbed her heels on the way out, hastily putting them on while walking away simultaneously.

When it came to multitasking in moments of crisis, Lily Evans was a star.

***

"I'm worried about her." James said to Remus in a low voice. Remus glanced at him, following his gaze to the staircase leading to the girls' dormitories. He smiled, and shook his head.  
"So am I, James, but there isn't anything we can do about it. We can't even go and visit her, so the best thing to do is to keep in touch with Mary and Marlene to see when she's better." He said soothingly. James looked at Remus gratefully.  
"You're right." He said, sighing. "We just have to hope that she'll be fine. There isn't anything else we CAN do anyway."  
"That's exactly right." Remus said.  
"What are you guys talking about?" A voice interrupted. Remus and James both glanced at the newcomer and then grinned.  
"Where have you been Wormtail? You didn't even visit Remus this morning. We missed you." James asked Peter, clapping him on the back. Peter smiled apologetically.  
"Sorry." He said meekly. "I had some things to do. My sister wasn't well, so I went to visit her for a bit at the gates."  
"I hope she's alright." Remus said, concerned.  
"Oh, she's fine." Peter said, brushing off his concern. "Anyway, I'm sorry for not being around."  
"Think nothing of it." James said.  
"Guys!" Mary hissed. "The door's opening!"  
"Thank goodness, I made it." A new voice said. James turned around, and for the second time that day, stared at the person who'd interrupted in disbelief.  
"Lily..." Marlene began in a worried whisper, but then the door opened completely to reveal an anxious Frank and a very puzzled looking Alice.  
"SURPRISE!" Everyone yelled at the same time.

***

"Boiled firewhiskey." Frank said as he stepped up to the door to the Gryffindor dormitory. Alice looked at him in surprise, and the Fat Lady rolled her eyes.  
"Another one of you." She said, beginning to swing forward.  
"I thought the password was 'Dried Boomslang skin'!" Alice exclaimed, surprised. "When did it change?" The door stopped moving and the Fat Lady stared at them both.  
"You mean she doesn't know?" She asked, wide-eyed. Alice turned to Frank, confused.  
"I don't know what?" She asked.  
"Nothing...James just changed the password for the night, a laugh really, 'boiled firewhiskey' - because most people believe that its power is reduced once you boil it, but that isn't actually true." Frank said, thinking of a lie on the spot (although the part about boiling firewhiskey was actually true, something he'd picked up from the Seventh-years he tutored). "Now, could we go in please?" He asked. Alice looked at him questioningly, confused about what exactly was going on. She knew Frank, and she knew that he wouldn't look so nervous unless he was lying or planning something - or both.  
"Frank-" She began to say, "What's going o-", but she was cut off as the door swung open, and a huge shriek greeted her.  
"SURPRISE!" Everyone yelled together, creating a wall of sound that only scrambled Alice's senses more as she tried to make sense of what she was seeing. The common room was completely different from the last time she'd seen it - all of the books and papers were gone, and it was perfectly decorated for a party of some kind. She caught a glimpse of countless banners with "Happy Sweet Sixteen Alice!" written on them, and dozens of little 3D projections of her pictures dashing around, going through people constantly. She saw all her friends, dressed up for the occasion. There was Marcus from Transfiguration, and Dorcas from Defence against the Dark Arts, and Selene from Astronomy, and countless others. Her gaze finally came to rest on the people closest to her, Mary, Marlene, the Marauders (including Remus, excluding Peter who appeared to be missing), and Lily (Even Lily, who'd been antisocial and sick for so long!), all grinning at her and laughing, trying to gauge her reaction. She turned to Frank. "What-what...what's going on?" She managed to stammer out, watching as his eyes lit up and he chuckled, taking her hand.  
"It's your surprise birthday party." He said in a low voice. "Happy Sweet Sixteen Alice." Alice turned back to everyone, stunned. They looked on edge now, anxious about her reaction. She felt herself grin and then laughed happily.  
"Thank you!" She said, and felt all of her friends descend upon her, first Mary and Marlene and Lily, and then the Marauders. Frank joined in last, grinning and still holding her hand. Everyone else resumed their conversations and activities, as though nothing had happened. When they'd finished hugging, everyone pulled back and looked at Alice. She grinned and looked around at her circle of friends happily.  
"Did you like it?" Frank asked anxiously.  
"I loved it!" Alice said, giggling happily. "Whose idea was it?" She asked.  
"Frank's." Everyone except Frank said automatically. Frank looked sheepish, suddenly finding his shoes very interesting.  
"Well, everyone helped out a lot." He said. "I can't take sole credit."  
"Don't listen to him." Lily said, smiling weakly. "It was his idea."  
"Yeah, I mean, the rest of us did quite a few things for this, but Frank probably ended up doing the most." Marlene said, looking at Frank irritably. "Except he's just being annoyingly modest." Frank looked as if he were about to respond, but Alice cut him off.  
"Well, thank you. Thank you all, I love it. But I'd better go up to the dorms and find something to wear - I can't be underdressed at my own party!" She said.  
"Good, we got something for you." Mary said.  
"Really?" Alice asked, wondering how dear Mary had had the foresight to buy Alice something for the party that she'd been planning.  
"Yeah, it was FRANK'S IDEA." Marlene said, shooting a glare at Frank, who just shook his head and turned away, smiling.  
"Lily come on, you should get back to the dorms too." Mary said, reaching for her friend. Lily stepped away from the guiding hand.  
"No, I'm fine." She said steadily. Marlene and Mary exchanged glances.  
"Lily, you just fainted-" Marlene began in a concerned tone, but Alice interrupted her.  
"You FAINTED?" She asked in a horrified tone. Frank also looked aghast.  
"What are you doing on your feet Lily, you should be resting." He said, also reaching out for her, along with Marlene, Mary and Alice. Lily took another step back, straight into James. She quickly stepped to the side and glanced at him apologetically.  
"I'm not going anywhere." She said, folding her arms with a scowl on her face, like a sulking child.  
"Lily, come on-" Alice began in a tired voice, but James cut her off.  
"She's not going to listen, she's too stubborn for that. Just leave her down here, I'll keep an eye on her." James said, smiling lazily.  
"But James-" Alice began, but James shook his head and she stopped speaking.  
"I promise-" He began in a mock-serious tone. "I shall catch her if she faints again, and carry her to the sofa once more. Have faith in me, I can do this." Despite herself, Alice smiled, and turned to Frank. Mary and Marlene started to walk towards the dormitories.  
Alice took both of Frank's hands. He looked down at her, surprised.  
"Was it really your idea?" She asked, guiding his hands to her waist, where he let them rest and twining her arms around his neck.  
"Well, they helped-" Frank began to say, but Alice cut him off.  
"Was it your idea?" She said more sternly. He sighed.  
"Yes." He said. Without another word, Alice raised herself up onto her tiptoes and kissed him, trying to convey her gratitude through her actions. When they stopped, she dropped back onto her feet and he rested his forehead against hers.  
"I love you." She whispered.  
"I love you too." He said, saying the words that she'd heard everytime she'd said that to him. She nodded, and then gently removed his hands from her waist, letting go of his hand only when she started to walk away, towards the dormitories.

***

Lily looked up at James in surprise. "You're the one that caught me, and carried me in?" She asked.  
"Well, you did kind of faint ON ME." James said. Lily winced with embarrassment. "Who else do you suppose could have done it?" Lily shrugged, looking away.  
"So, why didn't you join them?" James asked. Lily looked back at him, surprised.  
"Because...they picked out the dress. They should go and show it to her. I don't need to be there. And besides-" She struggled to keep holding James' gaze. "I'm fine." James looked away at once, smiling knowingly.  
"No you're not." He said immediately, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. Lily was instantly reminded of the morning, and how they'd had a similar conversation then. She sighed.  
"We are NOT talking about this again. I told you this morning, and I'll tell you again- I'M FINE." She said determinedly, beginning to turn away. James lightly put a finger to a chin and turned her head back to face him, leaning close as he did so. Immediately, Lily felt her heart start to beat faster.  
"And like I said this morning-" He said in a low voice. "I know what's wrong with you, and I'm not going to let it go." Lily shook her head and stepped away, despite herself.  
"I'm tired of repeating myself, but you're WRONG." She said tiredly, trying to get some conviction into her voice. James shook his head.  
"I'm right. In fact, I know exactly what's going on with you right now." He said. Lily raised an eyebrow.  
"And what would that be?" She said, stepping closer to him again.  
"You hate yourself even more now that you missed Alice's party, but you can't allow yourself to remain antisocial and closed in upon yourself. You need to be Lily Evans - loyal friend, hard-working student, trustworthy ally - you can't continue to shirk your responsibilities and keep making your friends worried for the luxury of isolation." Lily's heart started to beat faster, though for an entirely different reason now. "So now, you're going to do your best to pretend that everything's fine, when in fact, you're only doing what you need to do - you aren't anywhere near 'fine' yet - not even close, because at this rate, you're just going to keep on hating yourself for being - as you would call it - selfish and not being there for your friends, no matter how much you do to fix it. All that's happened is that you've found another reason to loathe yourself - if anything, things have gotten worse, not better."  
"You're wrong." Lily said in a shaky voice, trying to convince herself as well as him. James smiled sadly.  
"No, unfortunately, I'm right. Now if only I knew what you felt so guilty about in the first place, maybe I could get to the bottom of this." He said thoughtfully. A feeling of panic overcame Lily and she struggled to keep calm. She had to keep James from finding out about the source of her guilt.  
"How about a bet?" She said as steadily as she could. An amused expression took over James face. "If you can find out what's 'wrong with me' by the end of tonight, you win, and I'll admit that you've been right all along. If you can't find anything, because there is indeed "nothing wrong with me", then I win, and you extend me the same courtesy. What do you say?" James smiled, bemused. Lily's morale fell, she'd expected him to be unhappy about such a short-term bet.  
"Alright then." He said, reaching a hand out to her. She met it with her own, struggling to stop trembling, and they shook hands, to signify the closing of a deal, the cementing of a bet. "Until the end of tonight. I'll see you later." And suddenly, he was gone, pushing through the crowd to begin his investigation. Lily leaned on a table to keep herself from falling over.  
She'd bet for more than just the satisfaction of being right. She'd gambled for the concealment of her heart's deepest secrets - and she Had. To. Win.

***

"Sirius!" A voice called. Sirius turned around, a glass of butterbeer in his hand, and smiled at his best friend approaching him panickedly. "I need your help." James said as soon as he reached Sirius, taking the glass out of his hand and draining it in one gulp. Sirius looked at his hand and then at James in mock horror. James chuckled. "I needed a glass." He said. "Get another." Sirius rolled his eyes and muttered something about "If you didn't let me live with you, I might-" James raised an eyebrow.  
"What was that?" He asked coolly. Sirius sighed.  
"Nothing." He said. "Now what's got you in such a blind panic?"  
"I need your help." James repeated, focussed again.  
"So I gathered." Sirius said, reaching for a second glass. "What with, may I ask?"  
"Lily says that I need to find out what's wrong with her today or I have to admit that she's right." James said seriously. Sirius chuckled, amused. He'd always known that James and Lily's argument would come to a head soon enough, but he hadn't thought it would be this soon. They always had fights like this, that ended on a bet stating that the winner would get to be right, and the loser could never challenges the winner concerning that particular incident again. But despite all of the similarities, Sirius could feel that this dispute was different from all of the others for some reason - significant somehow. He was starting to understand why James was so hell-bent on finding out what was wrong with Lily this time.  
"So I suppose you require my sleuthing skills, as they're superior to yours?" Sirius said dryly, a cheeky smile beginning to appear on his face.  
"Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but-" James began to say, but then caught sight of Sirius' expression. "Oh." He finished weakly. Sirius nodded, grinning like a Cheshire cat.  
James sighed in submission. "I am begging you to grace me with your company and use your superior sleuthing skills to help me solve this problem."He said through gritted teeth. "There, happy?" He said, looking at Sirius indignantly. Sirius laughed, and clapped James on the back.  
"Incredibly." He said. "Now where should we start?"

***

"Where do I start?" Peter asked Remus, looking at the great spread of food in front of him, and back at his empty plate. Remus shrugged.  
"I don't know." He said. "Just eat what you'd like." Peter immediately started piling food onto his plate, creating mountains of food. Remus glanced at him amusedly. Peter caught his expression and put his plate down, looking sheepish.  
"I'm starving, I haven't eaten all day." He said, by means of explanation, continuing to put more on his plate.  
"Why not?" Remus said, picking up a chicken wing and putting it onto his plate. "Were you visiting your sister all day?" He asked.  
"What sister?" Peter asked, preoccupied with the task of finding a way to transfer the largest amount of gravy possible onto his plate without spilling any. Remus furrowed his eyebrows.  
"Your only sister - the one you said you spent your whole day with?" He said. Peter's eyes flashed with something strange for an instant and then returned to normal. "Oh, right. My sister, yes, I didn't have any lunch today because of that." He said, moving along the table. Remus stayed where he was, a troubled expression on his face. He'd probably imagined it, but he couldn't help feeling as though he'd seen a flash of fear and...malice in Peter's eyes when he'd asked him about his sister.

***

"Are you sure this is going to work Sirius?" James asked, looking at his best friend incredulously. Sirius just smiled, looking at the blank wall in front of them with an excited look in his eyes.  
"I don't know." He said honestly. "But it's our best bet. Even if we could get to the girls' dormitories, which we can't, we couldn't actually investigate anything because of obvious privacy issues, so there isn't really anywhere else to go. You've already talked to the other girls, right?"  
"Yes." James said. "They said that she's been having nightmares about me, and that it was because she's guilty about the way that she used to treat us." Sirius raised his eyebrows.  
"Do you think that's true?" He asked, surprised. "I don't - I mean, we all know that she doesn't blame US for how we acted back then, why would she blame herself?"  
"Exactly." James agreed. "And even IF she did feel guilty about it, it doesn't explain the months of depression - she'd talk to us about it, and not waste so much time brooding."  
"Are you sure about this?" Sirius asked, looking at James sideways. "I mean, I'd understand if you felt wrong doing it - SHE'D understand."  
"Yes." James said with conviction. "She gave me permission to investigate, this isn't wrong." A dark look came over his face. "And besides, I'm worried about her. Every single day that she spends living for others instead of herself pushes her closer to self-destruction."  
"I know what you mean." Sirius said grimly. "So, you want to try this?" James nodded silently. He stepped closer to the wall, and put his hand on it.  
"I need to know the truth about Lily Evans." he said.

"Alice!" Lily said, walking up to her briskly. Frank and Alice broke apart, and looked at Lily. Lily smiled meekly. "I'm sorry... am I interrupting?" She asked awkwardly. Alice shook her head, looking concerned.  
"Are you okay? Do you feel weak?" She asked, clasping Lily's shoulders. Lily rolled her eyes and took a step back.  
"I'm fine." She said, putting all of her strength into her voice to make it sound convincing. "I just need to make sure that you don't tell James anything about me if he asks." Alice furrowed her eyebrows.  
"Is this another one of your bets?" She asked, smiling.  
"Yes." Lily said, amused at how easily Alice guessed what it was about. "So don't tell him ANYTHING, especially to do with why I've been off these past few months." Alice's face fell. A cold feeling of dread overtook Lily.  
"You already told him, didn't you?" She asked in a ghost of a whisper, trying to keep her voice steady. Alice looked shocked.  
"Well, yes, but why is that such a bad thing for you - is there something more to this?" Alice asked. Lily swallowed hard, and forced a smile upon her face.  
"No, of course not. Naught's had, all's spent I suppose." She said. "It's Shakespeare." She said in response to their confused expressions. "I need a drink." She said abruptly, and then walked away quickly, before her façade failed her completely.

***

"What are you doing out here, big brother?" Sirius turned around, the ash from his cigarette spilling slightly as he did. He was outside in the grounds now, he needed a smoke, and he didn't feel like smoking alone inside. It was much more courteous and lonely to do it outside.  
"Regulus." He said sadly. "I was hoping that you wouldn't be here. And that you'd have stopped calling me that by now." Regulus' face turned ashen, and his eyes hardened.  
"Yes, well, bad habits are hard to break." Regulus said maliciously. "You'd know better than most."  
"What do you mean by that?" Sirius said menacingly. Regulus raised his hands in mock surrender, a cold smile playing on his lips.  
"Easy brother, I was simply referring to your tobacco addiction." He said mockingly. "Though of course, if you do have doubts about your social disposition, there's still hope for you yet. I don't mind traitors as much as dear Mother." Without another word, Sirius threw his cigarette at Regulus, a bored expression on his face. The younger Black cried out as it hit his cheek, leaving behind some lit ash before falling to the ground. Regulus screamed, brushing off the remaining ash. Sirius watched him coldly, while taking out another cigarette and lighting it by whispering 'Incendio' under his breath. He leaned close to Regulus, who stumbled away fearfully, scared of the lit cigarette in Sirius' mouth. Sirius took the cigarette out and held it (strategically) very close to Regulus' face as he spoke in a low, menacing tone.  
"Listen to me, dear BROTHER." The word took on a mocking feel when he said it. "I would rather live as I do, with real friends that care for me, with a real family made of people that actually love me than live a single second in your pathetic shoes. I would never spend all of my time or energy seeking the attention of those that constantly shun you like you do, and let's be honest here - if I'd chosen the path that you did, they probably wouldn't. So never try to be derogatory about MY life or MY decisions, because the sin of irony is incredibly hard to repay." He moved back slightly. "There's no need to be afraid of me. I won't waste another second on you, let alone a cigarette. You aren't worth my time anymore. You haven't been for a while. And, unlike me apparently, there ISN'T any hope for you left." And with that, Sirius turned around and walked away, hopefully for the last time, from another piece of the world that he'd left behind.  
"Sirius wait!" Regulus called after him. "I'm sorry, please don't leave!"  
But the ex-Black was already gone.

***

"Padfoot!" James said, catching up to Sirius. Sirius turned around and looked at James, his cold expression softening. "Where have you been?" James asked. "I've been looking for you everywhere, I need to-" He stopped suddenly, catching Sirius' gaze. "What's wrong?" He asked. Sirius shook his head, smiling falsely. James put a hand on his shoulder.  
"If I can't hide something from you, you must be stupid to think you can conceal something from me." Sirius smiled more genuinely.  
"Nothing, I just ran into my sham of a little brother when I went outside for a smoke and it infuriated me. Little snotbag was insulting my way of living - can you believe the delusion? I can't believe I even share any blood with him." Sirius said bemusedly.  
"Did you just say 'snotbag'?" James asked. Sirius nodded, and then burst into laughter along with James, their merry peals at Sirius' apt choice of vocabulary echoing down the halls.  
"Anyway," James said when they'd finally stopped laughing. "Sharing blood, doesn't make you alike in any way. I know you 're ashamed to be a part of your family, but you aren't - not if you don't want to be. You've got nothing to do with them anymore - it's what you chose - you're free of them now. Continuing to brood about such unfortunate circumstances is unwise."  
"Thanks Prongs." Sirius said gratefully. "Now why were you madly searching for me? Can you really not function properly sans moi?" James rolled his eyes and punched Sirius in the shoulder.  
"No you idiot, we need to talk about what we saw in the room of requirement and what it means." He said. The amused look left Sirius' face and a grim look came over his face.  
"Right." He said. "We do."

***

"Thank you." Alice said into Frank's shoulder as they swayed on the dance floor. Frank pulled back slightly, surprised.  
"For what?" He asked. Alice pulled back completely, smiling dreamily in Frank's face. The cake had been cut, the party poppers opened, the gifts safely put away, and almost everyone had left, except for those few who were especially close friends with Alice and company, or simply wanted to help clean up. In short, the party was almost over, and Frank and Alice were enjoying the last few songs before the music had to be shut down and the cleaning up had to properly begin.  
"For existing." She said simply, and then put her head back on Frank's shoulder. Frank stroked her hair softly, as they swayed slowly to the beat.  
"Well thank you for existing too." He said. "Really, you make my life better. You make everyone's life better." Alice pulled back again, and looked at Frank as though she was amused.  
"Stop describing yourself." She said shortly, a smile playing on her lips. Frank grinned.  
"I love you." He said. "Do you know that Al?" Alice nodded, putting her head back on his shoulder.  
"I know." She said in a muffled voice. "And I love you too."  
"Alice?" Frank asked tentatively, not wanting to disturb her. Alice made an annoyed sound.  
"I love you Frank, but please don't keep on letting me put my head back on your shoulder and THEN addressing me. You know I hate conversation that isn't face to face, and it's tedious to keep on repeating the same actions." Alice said irritably, her body sagging a little more. Frank was careful to shift his position so that he could support her more effectively.  
"You don't need to pull back." He said. "Are you tired?" Silently, Alice nodded.  
"Then we won't talk." He said. His fingers crept away from the lump in his pocket. There was a time and place for everything, and it obviously wasn't now - no matter how perfect it would've been right after her birthday party.

***

"Looks like the party's over." James said, coming to stand beside Lily. She glanced up at him wide-eyed and surprised, and set her jaw, looking back at Frank and Alice.  
"I suppose it is." She said. "Did you find anything?" James shook his head, and stepped in front of her, blocking her view of the dance floor.  
"How about we talk about it while dancing?" He asked. Lily felt a shiver go through her as she looked at his hazel eyes, sharp cheekbones, and catching smile. She'd never been more overcome by how much she loved him - she loved every plane of his face, every sharp edge of his personality, every infuriatingly annoying part of his attitude, every smile, every laugh...everything. And she wanted nothing more than to go out on the dance floor with him - but...that was precisely why she couldn't. It was wrong of her to feel this way, but it would've been even more wrong to act on her feelings. But James was asking her as a friend, surely she could accept? But could she trust HERSELF to accept as a friend, to dance as a friend, to feel as a friend? Probably not - but if she could conceal it, was it really wrong? Everyone had a guilty pleasure, and hers was loving James Potter - and secretly allowing herself to oblige in this feeling, despite it being wrong.  
"I'd love that." She said, taking his hand and stepping closer to him. His other hand went to her waist, and her other hand went to his shoulder, and then they were dancing, like they'd been partners their entire life, like they'd been waltzing together since forever, like they were more than just two friends trying to settle a bet. And the best/worst part was that whenever James twirled her around, she could feel her heart soar, with freedom and emotion that she hadn't let it feel for much too long.

***

"So, about the bet." James said, after what he felt was a suitable interval. Lily's eyes snapped open, and her expression of serenity changed to one of stress. The action caused a pinprick of pain in James' heart, and he silently prayed that his plan would work. Lily nodded mutely, so James continued speaking. "I found it. I know what's wrong with you." James saw Lily's eyes flash with confidence and fear, as she half-smiled with self-assurance. "And I don't know why you'd feel guilty about it - I mean, I understand, you spent years thinking that way, and now you suddenly don't. And it might feel wrong, but you have EVERY RIGHT TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. There is NO reason for you to think badly of yourself for it, and cut yourself off from everyone because you're somehow a bad person for having these emotions. None at all. In fact-" James stopped as Lily cut him off. Her expression had gone from being smug about her victory to shock in her failure.  
"James, stop." She said smiling in a strange way. James smiled, amused.  
"Why, do you think I'm wrong?" He said. Lily shook her head, a serious look coming over her face.  
"Let me say it." She whispered pleadingly. James nodded mutely. Lily took a deep breath, closing her eyes, the words 'naught's had, all's spent' echoing in her thoughts, and began to say the three words that she never thought that she'd say to James, for a million different reasons. Aside from the fact that it was wrong of her to feel this way, it was the usual anxiety of him possibly not feeling the same way. But now it was time for her to completely let her guard down and let everything go. She was still scared, but if James knew and he was still here talking to her and telling her such things, then he was obviously not angry or even awkward about it, and therefore, there was no reason for her to fear his reaction.  
Three words. Eight letters. Who knew it could mean so much?

***

"I love you." Lily said, her eyes still closed. The silence hung between them like a cloth separating them, Lily's anxiety growing by the second. She felt James take his hands off her and step away. She opened her eyes in shock and saw James' face, an expression of horror displayed plainly on his features. Lily felt her stomach fall away and her vision went black as she tried to process what had just happened without falling apart.  
James hadn't really known about the reason behind Lily's behaviour.  
She'd won the bet.  
And lost at the same time.  
Because even if he hadn't known before, James knew now.  
The guard was down, the secrets were gone, but the torture wasn't over.  
In fact, it was just beginning.  
Because now, James knew that she loved him.  
And it was All. Her. Fault.

***

**AN: **_I actually LOVE the way that ends. :D I hope you guys liked the Gossip Girl reference I sneaked in there. :P Anyway, ALL FEEDBACK SHALL BE APPRECIATED. =)_

_Until Chapter 4,_

_~HarryPotterForever1997_


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